The Best Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Song Lyrics

Christmastime is here, and you know what that means: creepiness all around. It may not be obvious in December, but what about those other 11 excruciating months of waiting? It's in those times we see the compulsive shopping network stalkers collecting porcelain reindeer figurines. It's in those times that the words "he sees you when you're sleeping" really come to a deeply disturbing peak. Yet when the holiday season rears it's festive head once again, we seem to forget how unintentionally creepy our beloved Yuletide can come off as. So, this year, while you chug eggnog, binge on gingerbread, and attempt to wrap bizarrely shaped objects in new and creative ways, remember to look for these purely coincidental disturbing gems in your favorite carols.

• "So hang your stockings and say your prayers / 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight."
  (Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry)
  
  Not only does this make St. Nick sound like a horror movie villain, but it also encourages children to fear the big man in red instead of, you know, be happy about Christmas and all. And yet we wonder why so many kids hate mall Santas? Don't parents have enough childhood psychological problems to deal with already? Plus, the spoken part at the beginning of the song names Santa Claus as "that most popular man all over the world". Fear of popular people: sounds like high school to me.

• "Now bring me some figgy pudding... we won't go until we get some."
  (We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Various Artists)
  
  This basically sums up why people hate having guests over for the holidays. Same story, every year: they won't go until they get some. Now, if only we knew what figgy pudding actually is...
  
• "When they found her Christmas mornin' / at the scene of the attack / There were hoof prints on her forehead / And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back."
  (Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by The Irish Rovers)
  
  This is the fillet mignon of bad Christmas music; the entire song is a train wreck, really, but these lines stand out among the rest. From the graphic injury descriptions to that awful Santa pun, there's a lot of evidence in these lines alone that the writers of this song deserve a good long break in a nice cozy padded room somewhere. Also, what up with the violent Santa lyrics again? Maybe the classic Christmas song writers knew something about St. Nick that we don't...

• "Later on, we'll conspire / as we dream by the fire / to face unafraid / the plans that we've made..."
  (Winter Wonderland by Bing Crosby)
  
  This song actually has lots of... issues, ranging anywhere from pretending a snowman is a circus clown and alligators somehow destroying said snowman, to what suspiciously sounds like people trying to use a pickup line with Parson Brown (no joke, look up the lyrics!). But perhaps the creepiest lyric of all is this jewel, supposedly about Bonnie and Clyde plotting their next crime by a roaring flame. I'm not quite sure what the writer was going for here, but whatever this poetic piece of work was intended for, it certainly succeeded in being disturbing.
  
  
  

• "I'd like to sing about all the things / your eyes and mind can see..."
  (Step Into Christmas by Elton John)
  
  Not with Elton John, I wouldn't...
  

• "She didn't see me creep / down the stairs to have a peek..."
  (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Perry Como)
  
  This song could be aptly renamed "A Voyeurism Christmas". What's this kid doing spying on his Mom smooching anybody? No more need be said here, people: this song is just gross all around.
  
  
• "Hail the worm, ye lads and lasses!"
  (A Cabos Carol by Vanna Bonta)
  
  This is actually a more recent Latin American Christmas carol, sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls". The whole song is basically a description of Christmastime in Mexico, which isn't a bad thing at all. My only question is: what the heck is "the worm"? Why would I hail it? What does this have to do with Christmas?! If this is supposed to describe Christmas in Mexico, I am never in my life going south for the winter...
  
  
  
  

Whatever you end up listening to this year, remember that it's ultimately not about the cookies, or the guests, or the train wreck Christmas carols: it's about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spreading the hope and joy that He brings. Maybe you liked some of the songs that I just lambasted, but that's OK too -- I don't mean to offend anyone, this is all in good fun. And even if you end up never viewing these songs in the same way again, hopefully it will just add to the happiness of the holidays. Who knows? Maybe the thought of alligators destroying snow sculptures is just what you need to make the season bright.

The Top 11 Things To Do With A Sandwich

We all know that life is full of sad truths, including fast food being bad for you, Santa Claus's complete rejection of everybody over eight years old, and Snoop Lion's music career (there, I said it!). There's actually plenty enough to make a separate Top 11 list out of, too, but we at Atomic Monkey like to look at the positives in life, and, let's face it, Snoop Lion ain't one of them. That is why I feel that there's a pressing issue in our society that simply must be solved!

It's difficult, but let's face it:
sandwiches are fun, until they aren't.


Sure, we all love a good BLT on white, or a pastrami on rye, or even a peanut butter-Nutella-bacon-french fries on a croissant (the official sandwich of Atomic Monkey). But after a few thousand of them, the idea of a good sandwich doesn't seem so good anymore. Look at it this way:

Cat: fine. Many cats: not so fine.
Hug: OK. Group hugs: not OK.
Twilight book: bad. Twilight series: even worse.

In other words, too much of a good (or bad) thing is not a good thing. So, I got to thinking: what do we do when eating sandwiches becomes a bore? Isn't there anything else we can do with them? The answer, luckily, is a firm YES... with a bit of random and slightly sadistic imagination.

That is why I created this list of the Top 11 Things You Can Do with a Sandwich:

11. Make Copies Of It With A Photocopier

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that you can't clone sandwiches. But, look, if you've got a Xerox and an unwanted Reuben, the least you could do is kill some time before you throw that thing away (the Xerox, I mean -- who uses those things anymore?).

10. See What Happens To It When You Put It In Water

The scientific chaos theory assumes that everything in the universe is falling into a state of complete disorder. So why not speed up the process? Plus, you can make prop bets with others over whether the onion or the spinach will separate from the turkey breast first.

9. Bury It In Rejection

Think more Grumpy Cat than Steven King. You want rejection, not interrogation.

8. Perform Surgery On It

Scalpel. Razor. Pickle.

7. Make a Sandwich Out Of The Sandwich

The ultra-popular YouTube channel "Epic Meal Team" has forever changed the definition of a great meal. I simply cannot look at food I make for myself without thinking, "Is this epic, or just meh?" And usually the answer for a lot of us is "meh". And our lives are too short to settle for "meh". I want to be able to live with "meh"self! So, when life gets too "meh" for your taste, just make an exact replica of the sandwich in question, and use the two sandwiches as buns for another sandwich. End of story.

6. Use It As An Instrument

Who knew that floppy lettuce, slippery tomato and soggy ham can sound just like a viola?

5. Put It On A Dartboard and Throw Darts At It

"If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations."
Ever wish you could have expert eye-hand coordination? Instead of aiming for that tiny little bullseye on the dartboard, just nail that unwanted sandwich on and start chucking. Then, eventually, work your way up to the big leagues. Or not. You never know; sandwich darts may be your sport.

4. Blow It Up

Part "Duck Dynasty", part Fourth of July, all "kiss your boring sandwich on the lips goodbye". From a few roman candles to a box of TNT, there's more than one way to send off your dull attempt at deliciousness in a ball of flame. Choose your location wisely, however. It could be the difference between a free thrill and a free police escort.


3. Throw It At Someone

"Taste the mayo, jerk!"

2. Throw It In A Bag and Give It To Someone

Probably a better option than pitching a PB&J and somebody's forehead (unless it's a close
relative; they love that). Plus, [insert sappy monologue about giving to charity here.]

1. Make A Twitter Account for it

https://twitter.com/SenorHam

And whatever sandwich-related problem you may find yourself in, just remember: there are millions of people in the world that would kill for that stale tuna on Wonder bread you're holding in your hand. That leaves you with only a couple of options. You could eat the sandwich and be grateful for it (which is never a bad thing). But if not, whatever you end up doing with it... make sure it's completely epic.

When Life Gives You Starfruit

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Whoever first spoke that age-old saying obviously didn't anticipate the hilarious Vine compilations that can result from a few unwanted yellow citrus...




But nothing against him, of course -- he was probably just narrowing down his options when he chose lemonade. Still, there's a lot of other things you can do with lemons besides squeezing their life fluids into a pitcher. From candy to pie to bathroom cleaner, lemons are just versatile as heck! So we salute you, lemons... but this post still isn't about you. 

No, this is about your useless, non-versatile second cousin twice-removed, the starfruit!



These guys have a weird crunchy texture and absolutely zero taste, besides sugar. If these guys were music fans, they would be jamming to Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7. Imagine biting into an uncooked potato while blaring ABBA; that's what it's like eating one of these things. And I hate them!

I understand that many people eat starfruit on a regular basis in tropical countries (poor them). And, yes, if I was on a deserted island with nothing but starfruit trees, I would probably start picking them off and eating (poor me). But we're living in the First World, people! And these guys are in the grocery store sitting next to our delicious oranges and mangoes like they've been friends forever. But they haven't been! Food wise, starfruit is a fraud.

But, with the the holidays coming up, there's still a chance that you'll get stuck with one in a fruit basket sent by that annoying relative in Massachusetts because he couldn't make it this year (because you didn't invite him) (because reasons). Don't worry, though, there's still other things you can do besides stuffing it down your gullet, including...

5. Play football with it!

Imagine the wonderful family memories that can be made when you and your third favorite uncle start running pass plays with a whole starfruit this Thanksgiving...

4. Use it as a dryer ball!

Wrinkle free sweaters, and leaves a pleasant waxy scent!

3. Load a cannon with it!

Oh, you drove through my flower bed, across-the-street neighbor? That's cool. Then you probably won't mind me shooting a starfruit through the paneling of your house. Merry Christmas. 

2. Make it your pet!

Draw a face and make some space: you have a brand new companion! No judgment from me. Some people have pet rocks. You have a pet starfruit. To each his own. 

1. Firewood!

Sugar burns well, and look, these guys are so hard, you might as well treat it as wood. Throw it in with the yule log and the old Lionel Ritchie CD, and you got a cozy, roaring flame. Mix and mingle, dude. 

The point here is that we should all learn to make do with what we have. Even though starfruit is a true con-artist of the food world, we should still be a good host in case one is unexpectedly dropped on our doorstep. And, trust me: once you've fumbled it, drawn on it, sent it through the dryer, burned it, and basically blown it to pieces, you will start seeing the true value of these annoying little fruit impostors.

The Life of a Duck

Some people envy billionaires. Some people envy fashion models. Some people even envy that guy with the topiary in his front yard that looks like Harry Styles from One Direction. There are many things I could say about that last situation, but that's another post (or not). The point is that at some point, we've all wanted the life that someone else lives.

I envy ducks.

And I have my reasons!

First of all, they are born swimmers. Every time I see them floating around the lake, paddling with their pretentious little duck feet like it's nobody's business, I get insanely jealous. Why? Because the only time you can see more splashing than the Shamu shows at Sea World is when I get in the pool and try to swim a lap. I'm about as graceful as Super Grover with the speed of a Galapagos tortoise.

Second, they eat like a boss. No, I'm not saying that I plan to switch my current diet of bacon and cheese curls to fish eggs and snails -- although when you call that stuff caviar and escargot, you're suddenly a movie star! But I digress. Guys, what I'm talking about is the epic underwater back-flip they do when they dip their epic beaks down to eat their epic meal. Apparently, weeds, seeds and insects turn into an incredible three-course brunch menu when you incorporate amphibious parkour moves between bites. There's no way I could ever to attempt anything like that without ending up in a neck brace! And people, this is the stuff ducks do on a daily basis.

Three, they were cute absolutely adorable as babies. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty cute back in the diaper days -- but, let's all admit it: we ain't got nothing on these guys.

Four, their beds grow on their bodies! No, seriously, their nests are lined with their own super-soft feathers. Now, I don't know about you, but one of the hardest parts of any day is simply gathering the energy to walk across the house to my bedroom at night. And when I do finally get there, it ain't lined with anything soft that grew off my own body... OK, that might actually be a good thing. But still, the idea of possessing the ability to veg out on myself is very appealing.

Finally... look, I don't mean to complain, but the best representation of the modern human race right now is probably Ylvis.

Hook up with the duck species, and you've got Donald, Daffy, Aflac -- and, best of all, Oregon. The kingdom of ducks is not without its benefits.

Bottom line is, ducks are awesome, we should all gain a greater respect for them, and I pretty much want to be one...

Well, actually, the real bottom line should be this: don't be envious. Being a human is pretty sweet, too -- but that's another post.

Spontaneous Book Review: "Bedtime for Kittens"

Today's book review: "Bedtime for Kittens"

This book was a mess from start to finish. The story was thin, the characters were weak, and the car chase was WAY overblown. I give this 2 out of 5 stars.

How To Make Things Complicated: Episode 1: Brushing Your Teeth

Brushing your teeth.
It's one of those things we all hate to do but all know we should do, along with paying taxes, waking up in the morning, and hugging your mother-in-law. Practically speaking, dental hygiene stinks. And the bad news is you'll have to de-plaque those teeth twice or maybe even three times a day (if you're really anal about it) every day for the rest of your life, unless your goal is to kill small children with your breath.

But there is good news! See, the real question you should be asking yourself is not how you can get around brushing your teeth (Icebreakers ain't gonna do it, and whitening strips don't cover a multitude of stank-related sins). The real question is: how can brushing be less boring? In my opinion, the reason we all hate brushing our teeth so much is because it's too painstakingly simple.

By following these guidelines, you can kiss the worst four minutes of your day goodbye, and turn brushing your teeth from a daily grind to a wonderfully complicated daily event.


STEP 1: MAKE YOUR OWN TOOTHPASTE
Now, I don't know any good homemade toothpaste recipes off hand, but mixing crushed up Altoids breath-
mints with water and cornstarch makes for a curiously-strong dental wash guaranteed to make your mouth feel fresh from the dentist... in theory, at least.
If this doesn't work, great! You're well on your way to a complicated teeth-brushing experience!

STEP 2: REPLACE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH
Just stop and think for a moment: that toothbrush of yours absorbs every bit of bacteria and food particles that have been marinating in your own spit every morning and night for weeks. Do you honestly think that running cold water over the head for a few seconds is gonna get rid of that evil grunge? Forget boiling it: burn it! Burn those rank bristles with fire! Then run to the drugstore and get yourself a fresh new brush. Your mouth deserves better!
Repeat daily.

STEP 3: CLEAN YOUR MIRROR
Everyone's had the experience of getting a piece of spinach stuck in their teeth from a salad they may or may not have eaten. Why else would we bear our teeth into hand mirrors and every other reflective surface we can find? As much as we hate brushing, spotless teeth is pretty darn important to us all. So, why take a chance brushing your teeth in front of a spotty mirror? That smudge on the glass could mean the difference between making a good impression and inducing involuntary cringes. Get that Windex out and scrub that mirror within an inch of its life! Your job, dignity, or hypothetical relationship with a person that doesn't know
you exist could depend on it.

STEP 4: USE PROPER TECHNIQUE
If you really want a clean mouth, forget the dentist guidelines. These steps show you how to really fight that plaque and whiten those teeth:
- Brush each individual tooth with equal 3/8 inch dabs of toothpaste for at least ten seconds each. Use a ruler to make exact measurements, and NEVER let the dabs be bigger than 1/2 inches or smaller than 1/3 inches. Make sure timer is set to military time.
- Brush in circular motions for front teeth, triangular motions for canines, and 4 mm³ right cylindrical motions for molars.
- Brush your gums; the insides of your cheeks; the roof of your mouth; the top, sides and bottom of your tongue; that weird area underneath your tongue; the backs of your front teeth; and the fronts and backs of your lips, in that order.
- Attach a long stick to the end of your toothbrush. Hold from the end of the stick and brush the very back of your tongue. Gagging is normal.
- Rinse mouth with water 18-35 times, or until it doesn't really feel like you just brushed your teeth. Then, brush again, because who knows? Maybe you actually didn't brush.


The point of it all is that brushing your teeth doesn't have to be boring. Hopefully these steps will open your eyes to the never-dull world of making things complicated...
And if none of these tips work for you, you could always stop brushing all together. At least that would make the ensuing dental procedures pretty complicated.

The Top 11 Things You Shouldn't Put Stickers On

How are stickers awesome? Oh, let me count the ways... later.
Admit it: we've all secretly loved stickers since we were eight months old. We stuck them on our faces, our

loved one's shirts, on walls, on beds, on assorted wild animals, and to the insides of our esophagus when we accidentally swallowed one. And today, we pretty much do the same thing. Whatever pattern, from butterflies to superheroes, presidential candidates to (if you're lucky) Napoleon Dynamite's face, nobody can resist a good sticker.

Here's the problem though: not everything is worthy of being endowed with the awesomeness that is stickers. More to the point, stickers don't really go with everything. While some objects just have a strained relationship with our adhesive friends, others look just plain wrong with Pinkie Pie or Buzz Lightyear's face stuck onto it. So, consider this your guide to at least 11 things that are completely not acceptable to put stickers on:

11. Policemen

Yes, I agree, they do need to lighten up a little. Still, if you're wondering what to do with the Justin Bieber stickers you bought 4 years ago when you thought he had talent, save them for a less risky location. My

advice: keep the Biebs off the Fuzz.

10. The Queen of England

Another candidate for lightening up a little. Unfortunately, however, the MI6 doesn't seem to appreciate stickers as much as we do...

9. Honey Badgers

Despite the ongoing claims that llamas hold this title, honey badgers are hands-down nature's fiercest warriors. The sheer power of these mammals is never to be underestimated. Even if it's dead, out of respect, please don't go sticking any adhesive images onto this animal's body: it honestly takes the edge off the honey badger's epicness. Also applies to dog sweaters, bowties, and anything that looks like something a hipster would wear.

8. Motorcycles

Along with making a Harley Davidson look like a tricycle, it's also not really safe sticking Disney Princesses on any random biker's ride. Not too sure how Hell's Angels would react to that...

7. Jell-O

Well... I don't know, something about this scenario just makes me feel nauseous. Although glue is nontoxic...

6. Sumo Wrestlers


This is your only warning: if you do this, you will never see that sticker again. It will live out the remainder of its days as a castaway in the Great Sea of Fat.
I am dead serious...

5. British Royal Guards

While the MI6 may not like stickers, British Royal Guards are still only human. I'm guessing they would like assorted rainforest creatures stuck onto their face and clothes... not that they would ever admit it. Still, I'm pretty sure it's a felony in England, so don't take the chance. Plus, their job's already hard enough; no need to tempt them with tree frog stickers.

4. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

NO!!! Just... no!!!

3. Your Tongue

It looks dumb, (it is dumb), and there's a severe risk of swallowing. Plus, it doesn't stick very well anyway, and if it does, you wont be able to taste for a few days after removing it.

2. Caskets

... you know, I'm just gonna let that one speak for itself...

1. Donald Trump's Hair

This one might fit better in my Bad Idea posts. Kinda like the sumo one, but with hair instead of fat, and kinda like the motorcycle one, but with legal fees instead of Hell's Angels. Kinda like the Jell-O one, too: tell me you're not getting nauseous at the thought of sticking your hands in this guy's hair. Plus, you don't really know if that's really hair or just a toupee. Yep, whatever way you look at this scenario, it doesn't end well.

Bad Idea of the Weekend: 4/26-4/28

Happy Friday!!!

It's the start of a new weekend, and we all know what that means...

Bad Idea time! 

Why bad ideas? Let me explain:

All this past week you all have been busting your hump in every imaginable way, whether it's working a nine-to-five job; writing a 15,000 word essay on the history and economics of wooden toilet seats in southeast Asia; keeping a house full of insane toddlers; keeping a house full of insane teenagers; keeping a house full of insane elderly people; or saying cliche phrases like "busting your hump". 

At the end of a week like this, all you're thinking of is collapsing into one of those bathtubs at Home Depot, eating foods covered with fluorescent cheese powder, and hibernating until Monday. But I'm here to say that
weekends are for fun! I don't care how busy you've been this past week: weekends are what memories are made of, and you're about to make a few sweet memories of your own, starting now! 

But first, a little retrospective: what memories truly stand out the most in your brain? I can guarantee you that the answer to that question ain't gonna be "that time I rode my bike" or "that time I swam in the ocean"; those are good ideas, but do those really stand out to you, honestly? More than most likely, you're thinking something like "that time I rode my bike off a ramp and into the ocean"; that's a terrible idea, and one completely awesome memory!!! Now, while I wont be asking you to do extreme stunts like that, I will ask this of you: live a little!
Whether you actually try out these bad ideas or not, try your best to make every weekend count. Spend time with family, relax, and have fun. But I promise you that these bad ideas will take your life up to an 11, and create some awesome memories in the process.

So, without further explanation...

 Here's your Bad Idea of the Weekend:

Start a break-dancing class at the local senior citizens center!
Get that blood pumping and those elders thumping. Just a few hours   in the bingo hall, and you'll have the seniors downrocking and moonwalking in no time. What could possibly go wrong...?




Enjoy your weekend!

The Reboot

Yep, you read that right: Atomic Monkey is back! 

Admittedly, the Monkey has been shut down, reloaded, put on hiatus, taken vacations, crammed into cages, and gotten third degree burns from being on the back burner off and on for a few years now. In fact, I don't think I've posted on this blog since, what, 2011? All this goes to show is either that I'm terrible at blogging, or someone needs to invent some sort of day planner soon.

Either way, I think it's time enough for Atomic Monkey to come out of retirement and spread a little bit of randomness out to the world. Why? Well, because the world is full of WAY MORE than just chaos, panic, mother-in-laws and IRS agents. It's also full of...

Stupid dancing!

People wearing cheese on their heads!

Bacon pancakes!

Horses wearing sweaters!

Redneck dogs!

Penguins running!

Llamas with parachutes!

The world is full of those awesome little things just waiting to be discovered!

That's the mission of this blog: bringing the "point out the pointless" mission to the real world. A treasure hunt to dig up the random funny awesomeness that happens all around us every day, and spread a little bit of happiness out to the world. 

Are there other people doing this? Of course! In fact, Atomic Monkey will just be one of thousands and thousands of awesome people out there setting out on this same journey. But the way I see it, the more voices, the better. I think it's time the people of earth got one huge dose of optimism.

So, come back soon for all new posts from Atomic Monkey, and special original series, including:

• How To Make Things Complicated
• Six Second Videos
• Bad Idea of the Week
• Callisto's Guide to the English Language
  
  all from yours truly Senor Joaquin and Atomic Monkey's newest staff members, Senor Istachio and El Nino Callisto! 

Peace Out!