Friday Night Battle Fights: Mangoes vs. Quokkas

It's Friday, and here at Dolphin Blog, that means it's time for Friday Night Battle Fights!

In Friday Night Battle Fights, two random competitors from the World of General Awesomeness are matched up in the four most scientifically legitimate categories of comparison: Taste, Humor, Bounciness, and Likelihood of Being a Dallas Cowboys Fan.

And, tonight, in our weekly matchup of randomly awesome things from the universe, brings us to an epic heavyweight showdown of cosmic proportions.

In one corner: it's juicy. It's sweet. It's disastrously addictive. It makes a refreshing Indian yogurt drink. Please welcome the undeclared king of the food world: MANGOES!!!

In the other corner: It's cute. It's a mammal. It's cute. It's perpetually smiling. Dang it, man, it's cute! Please welcome the Wonder from Down Under: QUOKKAS!!!

Let the battle begin...


1. Taste

Mangoes:

Picture a hot air balloon dropping a massive water balloon full of fairy dust-spiked tropical punch onto your face. This is what biting into a ripe, fresh mango tastes like, people (minus the pain of a giant water balloon). Hold a mango and you hold edible taste nirvana.

Quokkas:

OH MY GOSH WHY WOULD YOU EAT A QUOKKA YOU AWFUL HUMAN BEING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Winner: Mangoes.




2. Humor

Mangoes:

HAHA, oblong fruit!!! ... Yeah, I got nothing guys.

Quokkas:

Dude, these animals are always smiling. Literally, they cannot avoid it; they're DNA tells their bodies to smile -- because why not? Look, if their genes are telling their mouths to smile, they're probably telling their brains to think up awesome jokes to tell other quokkas in the neighborhood, too. Plus, look at one of these marsupials bros in the eye for a while and tell me you don't feel happier afterward. It's a scientific fact: quokkas got comedy.

Winner: Quokkas.

 3. Bounciness

Mangoes:

Before they're ripe, all fruit has a general bounciness to it, but add in the factor of the mango's waxy outer coating, and you've got a virtual Superball in fruit form...!
Actually I have no idea about that last part, but at least I've dropped one of these things on the floor before, so I know to an extent.

Quokkas:

The idea of a bouncing quokka sounds incredibly hilarious to me. The moment I finally do see this take place is the day I finally get a quokka for a pet... but, unfortunately, I never have seen that. To their credit, these guys are pretty chubby, and fat bounces. Then again, I've never seen Madea bounce either...

Winner: Mangoes.

4. Likelihood of Being a Dallas Cowboys Fan

Mangoes:

Mangoes are the most popular fruit in the world. The Cowboys are the most popular team in the world. But mangoes are too good for the Cowboys. So there.

Quokkas:

OH MY GOSH WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT QUOKKAS ARE COWBOYS FANS YOU AWFUL HUMAN BEING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Winner: Push.


So, in the end, it looks like the mangoes rise from the ashes as the top dog in this dogfight. But fear not, quokka fans: you're impossibly adorable animal friends will always hold a special place in Dolphin Blog's heart. And if this loss still stings in your mind, there's an easy solution: just find a picture of a quokka eating a mango. That should settle things... or just spark a rematch. Either way. (Also, send that picture to me when you find it. That sounds amazing.)