Spontaneous Book Review: "Bedtime for Kittens"

Today's book review: "Bedtime for Kittens"

This book was a mess from start to finish. The story was thin, the characters were weak, and the car chase was WAY overblown. I give this 2 out of 5 stars.

How To Make Things Complicated: Episode 1: Brushing Your Teeth

Brushing your teeth.
It's one of those things we all hate to do but all know we should do, along with paying taxes, waking up in the morning, and hugging your mother-in-law. Practically speaking, dental hygiene stinks. And the bad news is you'll have to de-plaque those teeth twice or maybe even three times a day (if you're really anal about it) every day for the rest of your life, unless your goal is to kill small children with your breath.

But there is good news! See, the real question you should be asking yourself is not how you can get around brushing your teeth (Icebreakers ain't gonna do it, and whitening strips don't cover a multitude of stank-related sins). The real question is: how can brushing be less boring? In my opinion, the reason we all hate brushing our teeth so much is because it's too painstakingly simple.

By following these guidelines, you can kiss the worst four minutes of your day goodbye, and turn brushing your teeth from a daily grind to a wonderfully complicated daily event.


STEP 1: MAKE YOUR OWN TOOTHPASTE
Now, I don't know any good homemade toothpaste recipes off hand, but mixing crushed up Altoids breath-
mints with water and cornstarch makes for a curiously-strong dental wash guaranteed to make your mouth feel fresh from the dentist... in theory, at least.
If this doesn't work, great! You're well on your way to a complicated teeth-brushing experience!

STEP 2: REPLACE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH
Just stop and think for a moment: that toothbrush of yours absorbs every bit of bacteria and food particles that have been marinating in your own spit every morning and night for weeks. Do you honestly think that running cold water over the head for a few seconds is gonna get rid of that evil grunge? Forget boiling it: burn it! Burn those rank bristles with fire! Then run to the drugstore and get yourself a fresh new brush. Your mouth deserves better!
Repeat daily.

STEP 3: CLEAN YOUR MIRROR
Everyone's had the experience of getting a piece of spinach stuck in their teeth from a salad they may or may not have eaten. Why else would we bear our teeth into hand mirrors and every other reflective surface we can find? As much as we hate brushing, spotless teeth is pretty darn important to us all. So, why take a chance brushing your teeth in front of a spotty mirror? That smudge on the glass could mean the difference between making a good impression and inducing involuntary cringes. Get that Windex out and scrub that mirror within an inch of its life! Your job, dignity, or hypothetical relationship with a person that doesn't know
you exist could depend on it.

STEP 4: USE PROPER TECHNIQUE
If you really want a clean mouth, forget the dentist guidelines. These steps show you how to really fight that plaque and whiten those teeth:
- Brush each individual tooth with equal 3/8 inch dabs of toothpaste for at least ten seconds each. Use a ruler to make exact measurements, and NEVER let the dabs be bigger than 1/2 inches or smaller than 1/3 inches. Make sure timer is set to military time.
- Brush in circular motions for front teeth, triangular motions for canines, and 4 mm³ right cylindrical motions for molars.
- Brush your gums; the insides of your cheeks; the roof of your mouth; the top, sides and bottom of your tongue; that weird area underneath your tongue; the backs of your front teeth; and the fronts and backs of your lips, in that order.
- Attach a long stick to the end of your toothbrush. Hold from the end of the stick and brush the very back of your tongue. Gagging is normal.
- Rinse mouth with water 18-35 times, or until it doesn't really feel like you just brushed your teeth. Then, brush again, because who knows? Maybe you actually didn't brush.


The point of it all is that brushing your teeth doesn't have to be boring. Hopefully these steps will open your eyes to the never-dull world of making things complicated...
And if none of these tips work for you, you could always stop brushing all together. At least that would make the ensuing dental procedures pretty complicated.