The Top 11 Things To Do With A Sandwich

We all know that life is full of sad truths, including fast food being bad for you, Santa Claus's complete rejection of everybody over eight years old, and Snoop Lion's music career (there, I said it!). There's actually plenty enough to make a separate Top 11 list out of, too, but we at Atomic Monkey like to look at the positives in life, and, let's face it, Snoop Lion ain't one of them. That is why I feel that there's a pressing issue in our society that simply must be solved!

It's difficult, but let's face it:
sandwiches are fun, until they aren't.


Sure, we all love a good BLT on white, or a pastrami on rye, or even a peanut butter-Nutella-bacon-french fries on a croissant (the official sandwich of Atomic Monkey). But after a few thousand of them, the idea of a good sandwich doesn't seem so good anymore. Look at it this way:

Cat: fine. Many cats: not so fine.
Hug: OK. Group hugs: not OK.
Twilight book: bad. Twilight series: even worse.

In other words, too much of a good (or bad) thing is not a good thing. So, I got to thinking: what do we do when eating sandwiches becomes a bore? Isn't there anything else we can do with them? The answer, luckily, is a firm YES... with a bit of random and slightly sadistic imagination.

That is why I created this list of the Top 11 Things You Can Do with a Sandwich:

11. Make Copies Of It With A Photocopier

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that you can't clone sandwiches. But, look, if you've got a Xerox and an unwanted Reuben, the least you could do is kill some time before you throw that thing away (the Xerox, I mean -- who uses those things anymore?).

10. See What Happens To It When You Put It In Water

The scientific chaos theory assumes that everything in the universe is falling into a state of complete disorder. So why not speed up the process? Plus, you can make prop bets with others over whether the onion or the spinach will separate from the turkey breast first.

9. Bury It In Rejection

Think more Grumpy Cat than Steven King. You want rejection, not interrogation.

8. Perform Surgery On It

Scalpel. Razor. Pickle.

7. Make a Sandwich Out Of The Sandwich

The ultra-popular YouTube channel "Epic Meal Team" has forever changed the definition of a great meal. I simply cannot look at food I make for myself without thinking, "Is this epic, or just meh?" And usually the answer for a lot of us is "meh". And our lives are too short to settle for "meh". I want to be able to live with "meh"self! So, when life gets too "meh" for your taste, just make an exact replica of the sandwich in question, and use the two sandwiches as buns for another sandwich. End of story.

6. Use It As An Instrument

Who knew that floppy lettuce, slippery tomato and soggy ham can sound just like a viola?

5. Put It On A Dartboard and Throw Darts At It

"If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations."
Ever wish you could have expert eye-hand coordination? Instead of aiming for that tiny little bullseye on the dartboard, just nail that unwanted sandwich on and start chucking. Then, eventually, work your way up to the big leagues. Or not. You never know; sandwich darts may be your sport.

4. Blow It Up

Part "Duck Dynasty", part Fourth of July, all "kiss your boring sandwich on the lips goodbye". From a few roman candles to a box of TNT, there's more than one way to send off your dull attempt at deliciousness in a ball of flame. Choose your location wisely, however. It could be the difference between a free thrill and a free police escort.


3. Throw It At Someone

"Taste the mayo, jerk!"

2. Throw It In A Bag and Give It To Someone

Probably a better option than pitching a PB&J and somebody's forehead (unless it's a close
relative; they love that). Plus, [insert sappy monologue about giving to charity here.]

1. Make A Twitter Account for it

https://twitter.com/SenorHam

And whatever sandwich-related problem you may find yourself in, just remember: there are millions of people in the world that would kill for that stale tuna on Wonder bread you're holding in your hand. That leaves you with only a couple of options. You could eat the sandwich and be grateful for it (which is never a bad thing). But if not, whatever you end up doing with it... make sure it's completely epic.

When Life Gives You Starfruit

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Whoever first spoke that age-old saying obviously didn't anticipate the hilarious Vine compilations that can result from a few unwanted yellow citrus...




But nothing against him, of course -- he was probably just narrowing down his options when he chose lemonade. Still, there's a lot of other things you can do with lemons besides squeezing their life fluids into a pitcher. From candy to pie to bathroom cleaner, lemons are just versatile as heck! So we salute you, lemons... but this post still isn't about you. 

No, this is about your useless, non-versatile second cousin twice-removed, the starfruit!



These guys have a weird crunchy texture and absolutely zero taste, besides sugar. If these guys were music fans, they would be jamming to Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7. Imagine biting into an uncooked potato while blaring ABBA; that's what it's like eating one of these things. And I hate them!

I understand that many people eat starfruit on a regular basis in tropical countries (poor them). And, yes, if I was on a deserted island with nothing but starfruit trees, I would probably start picking them off and eating (poor me). But we're living in the First World, people! And these guys are in the grocery store sitting next to our delicious oranges and mangoes like they've been friends forever. But they haven't been! Food wise, starfruit is a fraud.

But, with the the holidays coming up, there's still a chance that you'll get stuck with one in a fruit basket sent by that annoying relative in Massachusetts because he couldn't make it this year (because you didn't invite him) (because reasons). Don't worry, though, there's still other things you can do besides stuffing it down your gullet, including...

5. Play football with it!

Imagine the wonderful family memories that can be made when you and your third favorite uncle start running pass plays with a whole starfruit this Thanksgiving...

4. Use it as a dryer ball!

Wrinkle free sweaters, and leaves a pleasant waxy scent!

3. Load a cannon with it!

Oh, you drove through my flower bed, across-the-street neighbor? That's cool. Then you probably won't mind me shooting a starfruit through the paneling of your house. Merry Christmas. 

2. Make it your pet!

Draw a face and make some space: you have a brand new companion! No judgment from me. Some people have pet rocks. You have a pet starfruit. To each his own. 

1. Firewood!

Sugar burns well, and look, these guys are so hard, you might as well treat it as wood. Throw it in with the yule log and the old Lionel Ritchie CD, and you got a cozy, roaring flame. Mix and mingle, dude. 

The point here is that we should all learn to make do with what we have. Even though starfruit is a true con-artist of the food world, we should still be a good host in case one is unexpectedly dropped on our doorstep. And, trust me: once you've fumbled it, drawn on it, sent it through the dryer, burned it, and basically blown it to pieces, you will start seeing the true value of these annoying little fruit impostors.

The Life of a Duck

Some people envy billionaires. Some people envy fashion models. Some people even envy that guy with the topiary in his front yard that looks like Harry Styles from One Direction. There are many things I could say about that last situation, but that's another post (or not). The point is that at some point, we've all wanted the life that someone else lives.

I envy ducks.

And I have my reasons!

First of all, they are born swimmers. Every time I see them floating around the lake, paddling with their pretentious little duck feet like it's nobody's business, I get insanely jealous. Why? Because the only time you can see more splashing than the Shamu shows at Sea World is when I get in the pool and try to swim a lap. I'm about as graceful as Super Grover with the speed of a Galapagos tortoise.

Second, they eat like a boss. No, I'm not saying that I plan to switch my current diet of bacon and cheese curls to fish eggs and snails -- although when you call that stuff caviar and escargot, you're suddenly a movie star! But I digress. Guys, what I'm talking about is the epic underwater back-flip they do when they dip their epic beaks down to eat their epic meal. Apparently, weeds, seeds and insects turn into an incredible three-course brunch menu when you incorporate amphibious parkour moves between bites. There's no way I could ever to attempt anything like that without ending up in a neck brace! And people, this is the stuff ducks do on a daily basis.

Three, they were cute absolutely adorable as babies. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty cute back in the diaper days -- but, let's all admit it: we ain't got nothing on these guys.

Four, their beds grow on their bodies! No, seriously, their nests are lined with their own super-soft feathers. Now, I don't know about you, but one of the hardest parts of any day is simply gathering the energy to walk across the house to my bedroom at night. And when I do finally get there, it ain't lined with anything soft that grew off my own body... OK, that might actually be a good thing. But still, the idea of possessing the ability to veg out on myself is very appealing.

Finally... look, I don't mean to complain, but the best representation of the modern human race right now is probably Ylvis.

Hook up with the duck species, and you've got Donald, Daffy, Aflac -- and, best of all, Oregon. The kingdom of ducks is not without its benefits.

Bottom line is, ducks are awesome, we should all gain a greater respect for them, and I pretty much want to be one...

Well, actually, the real bottom line should be this: don't be envious. Being a human is pretty sweet, too -- but that's another post.