The Top 11 Things To Do With A Sandwich

We all know that life is full of sad truths, including fast food being bad for you, Santa Claus's complete rejection of everybody over eight years old, and Snoop Lion's music career (there, I said it!). There's actually plenty enough to make a separate Top 11 list out of, too, but we at Atomic Monkey like to look at the positives in life, and, let's face it, Snoop Lion ain't one of them. That is why I feel that there's a pressing issue in our society that simply must be solved!

It's difficult, but let's face it:
sandwiches are fun, until they aren't.


Sure, we all love a good BLT on white, or a pastrami on rye, or even a peanut butter-Nutella-bacon-french fries on a croissant (the official sandwich of Atomic Monkey). But after a few thousand of them, the idea of a good sandwich doesn't seem so good anymore. Look at it this way:

Cat: fine. Many cats: not so fine.
Hug: OK. Group hugs: not OK.
Twilight book: bad. Twilight series: even worse.

In other words, too much of a good (or bad) thing is not a good thing. So, I got to thinking: what do we do when eating sandwiches becomes a bore? Isn't there anything else we can do with them? The answer, luckily, is a firm YES... with a bit of random and slightly sadistic imagination.

That is why I created this list of the Top 11 Things You Can Do with a Sandwich:

11. Make Copies Of It With A Photocopier

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that you can't clone sandwiches. But, look, if you've got a Xerox and an unwanted Reuben, the least you could do is kill some time before you throw that thing away (the Xerox, I mean -- who uses those things anymore?).

10. See What Happens To It When You Put It In Water

The scientific chaos theory assumes that everything in the universe is falling into a state of complete disorder. So why not speed up the process? Plus, you can make prop bets with others over whether the onion or the spinach will separate from the turkey breast first.

9. Bury It In Rejection

Think more Grumpy Cat than Steven King. You want rejection, not interrogation.

8. Perform Surgery On It

Scalpel. Razor. Pickle.

7. Make a Sandwich Out Of The Sandwich

The ultra-popular YouTube channel "Epic Meal Team" has forever changed the definition of a great meal. I simply cannot look at food I make for myself without thinking, "Is this epic, or just meh?" And usually the answer for a lot of us is "meh". And our lives are too short to settle for "meh". I want to be able to live with "meh"self! So, when life gets too "meh" for your taste, just make an exact replica of the sandwich in question, and use the two sandwiches as buns for another sandwich. End of story.

6. Use It As An Instrument

Who knew that floppy lettuce, slippery tomato and soggy ham can sound just like a viola?

5. Put It On A Dartboard and Throw Darts At It

"If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations."
Ever wish you could have expert eye-hand coordination? Instead of aiming for that tiny little bullseye on the dartboard, just nail that unwanted sandwich on and start chucking. Then, eventually, work your way up to the big leagues. Or not. You never know; sandwich darts may be your sport.

4. Blow It Up

Part "Duck Dynasty", part Fourth of July, all "kiss your boring sandwich on the lips goodbye". From a few roman candles to a box of TNT, there's more than one way to send off your dull attempt at deliciousness in a ball of flame. Choose your location wisely, however. It could be the difference between a free thrill and a free police escort.


3. Throw It At Someone

"Taste the mayo, jerk!"

2. Throw It In A Bag and Give It To Someone

Probably a better option than pitching a PB&J and somebody's forehead (unless it's a close
relative; they love that). Plus, [insert sappy monologue about giving to charity here.]

1. Make A Twitter Account for it

https://twitter.com/SenorHam

And whatever sandwich-related problem you may find yourself in, just remember: there are millions of people in the world that would kill for that stale tuna on Wonder bread you're holding in your hand. That leaves you with only a couple of options. You could eat the sandwich and be grateful for it (which is never a bad thing). But if not, whatever you end up doing with it... make sure it's completely epic.