The Best Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Song Lyrics

Christmastime is here, and you know what that means: creepiness all around. It may not be obvious in December, but what about those other 11 excruciating months of waiting? It's in those times we see the compulsive shopping network stalkers collecting porcelain reindeer figurines. It's in those times that the words "he sees you when you're sleeping" really come to a deeply disturbing peak. Yet when the holiday season rears it's festive head once again, we seem to forget how unintentionally creepy our beloved Yuletide can come off as. So, this year, while you chug eggnog, binge on gingerbread, and attempt to wrap bizarrely shaped objects in new and creative ways, remember to look for these purely coincidental disturbing gems in your favorite carols.

• "So hang your stockings and say your prayers / 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight."
  (Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry)
  
  Not only does this make St. Nick sound like a horror movie villain, but it also encourages children to fear the big man in red instead of, you know, be happy about Christmas and all. And yet we wonder why so many kids hate mall Santas? Don't parents have enough childhood psychological problems to deal with already? Plus, the spoken part at the beginning of the song names Santa Claus as "that most popular man all over the world". Fear of popular people: sounds like high school to me.

• "Now bring me some figgy pudding... we won't go until we get some."
  (We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Various Artists)
  
  This basically sums up why people hate having guests over for the holidays. Same story, every year: they won't go until they get some. Now, if only we knew what figgy pudding actually is...
  
• "When they found her Christmas mornin' / at the scene of the attack / There were hoof prints on her forehead / And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back."
  (Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by The Irish Rovers)
  
  This is the fillet mignon of bad Christmas music; the entire song is a train wreck, really, but these lines stand out among the rest. From the graphic injury descriptions to that awful Santa pun, there's a lot of evidence in these lines alone that the writers of this song deserve a good long break in a nice cozy padded room somewhere. Also, what up with the violent Santa lyrics again? Maybe the classic Christmas song writers knew something about St. Nick that we don't...

• "Later on, we'll conspire / as we dream by the fire / to face unafraid / the plans that we've made..."
  (Winter Wonderland by Bing Crosby)
  
  This song actually has lots of... issues, ranging anywhere from pretending a snowman is a circus clown and alligators somehow destroying said snowman, to what suspiciously sounds like people trying to use a pickup line with Parson Brown (no joke, look up the lyrics!). But perhaps the creepiest lyric of all is this jewel, supposedly about Bonnie and Clyde plotting their next crime by a roaring flame. I'm not quite sure what the writer was going for here, but whatever this poetic piece of work was intended for, it certainly succeeded in being disturbing.
  
  
  

• "I'd like to sing about all the things / your eyes and mind can see..."
  (Step Into Christmas by Elton John)
  
  Not with Elton John, I wouldn't...
  

• "She didn't see me creep / down the stairs to have a peek..."
  (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Perry Como)
  
  This song could be aptly renamed "A Voyeurism Christmas". What's this kid doing spying on his Mom smooching anybody? No more need be said here, people: this song is just gross all around.
  
  
• "Hail the worm, ye lads and lasses!"
  (A Cabos Carol by Vanna Bonta)
  
  This is actually a more recent Latin American Christmas carol, sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls". The whole song is basically a description of Christmastime in Mexico, which isn't a bad thing at all. My only question is: what the heck is "the worm"? Why would I hail it? What does this have to do with Christmas?! If this is supposed to describe Christmas in Mexico, I am never in my life going south for the winter...
  
  
  
  

Whatever you end up listening to this year, remember that it's ultimately not about the cookies, or the guests, or the train wreck Christmas carols: it's about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spreading the hope and joy that He brings. Maybe you liked some of the songs that I just lambasted, but that's OK too -- I don't mean to offend anyone, this is all in good fun. And even if you end up never viewing these songs in the same way again, hopefully it will just add to the happiness of the holidays. Who knows? Maybe the thought of alligators destroying snow sculptures is just what you need to make the season bright.