Before I go on, I must issue a quick marine advisory: although you may have never heard such a report, THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! It may not be a fuselage, you may not be sailing a catamaran, and you may not have enough money to take the trip to Russia. But sailing can be dangerous and full of unexpected surprises, many that can put your life on the line... especially if the fuselage happens to have a heat ray. In that case, you're done.But if it doesn't, then you may want to reference this handy guide to these sailing anomalies. Now, as you may expect, there are PLENTY of things I could say on this topic. But I'll have to condense them down to the bare minimum of details, and let you fill in the blanks. Besides, isn't this situation already specific enough? Its the very last What Not To Do, and this one may save your life...
Do Not... Carry It Ashore With A Fishing Line!
Did I mention that fishing wire conducts electricity... like, really well? And the last time I checked, space shuttles and rockets and what not, have electrical charge! Unless you want an ever scenic picture of fishing for UFO's on a barren lake in the Former Soviet Union to be your last, than leave the poles back ashore.
Do Not... Show It Off!
Why? Because Russians and government conspiracies have been holding hands since the 50's. That's why.
Do Not... Sell It On E-Bay!Trust me, there are plenty of weird items to go around on this website: Lucky Charms boxes, Elvis's last half-eaten PB&B, Meghan the Haunted Doll... I think there's reason to assume you'll have better luck selling an old Coke can then managing to sell this thing for the right price... unless you spray paint a Star Trek insignia on the front. Then you might be in business...
Do Not... Create A Twitter Page For It!
If fuselages could talk, I don't think the first words out of their hypothetical mouths would be "Log me on to Twitter. I have work to do...", even though that would be fairly amusing. But I've never met an amusing fuselage in my life, so... I digress. Just don't do it. Its dumb, cliched, and it could possibly be an early sign of "Idonthavealife Syndrome".
Do Not... Assume That Nothing Is Inside It!
Seriously, you would have to be crazy to look inside the thing! It could have aliens, hitchhikers, alien hitchhikers, or worse: Russian hitchhikers! So, before you sell it on the black market (cause you're going to, right?), keep it in your garage, at a (trustworthy) friends house, or even throw it in a swimming pool and be prepared for an explosion if there actually is a heat ray somewhere in there.Do Not... Tell The In-Laws!
More reason for your mother-in-law to think you're insane? I think not...
... and...
Do Not Even THINK About... Going Catamaran Sailing In The Same Place You Found The Fuselage!
You see, even our "primitive" space shuttles have tracking devices built in. They can show you where the device was last located in, in case Houston loses positioning on the ISS. You would simply have to assume that the GPS on the fuselage tracked it right down to the last moment before it hit the water. Of course, its creators would be searching for it, and, of course, any Russians in the area wouldn't dare say a word about it. Because they would like to watch some unknown terrifying event happening to you. Don't let those Caspian natives fool you! Leave Russia, and never look back!
I hope you can come away from this post with a new sense of security. Now, in case this does happen to you, you wont have to just leave the fuselage behind. If your willing to walk on eggshells for about a month, this guide can be your constant companion, and can lead you through the wonderful world of owning (a fuselage).
