Note: Although there are many sites and sources that claim there is no rules pertaining to visiting Wal-Mart, there is something you need to know: only low class creeps follow that info. If you consider yourself a low class creep, you are free to click away. If not, you've already started reading, and might as well read the rest.
Ah, Wally World... I hate you.
Sure, its convenient, and full of "everyday low prices" (more or less), but there's just something about your endless isles that disturbs me to the core... it might be the guy in the clown suit that haunts the sporting goods department, but I may be wrong.
Of course, many of you have to agree that Wal-Mart is a force to be reckoned with, and already have to agree rules are needed; but it seems that we all forget the unwritten rules we try to carry around with us when we go. So, I'm putting my foot down and writing them all here. There's sure to be some that I miss, but I think you'll be able to fill the blanks. Once I get more money, I'll sell this guide in booklets at Target. Until then, pay close attention and feel free to take notes. Its the fourth What Not To Do guide out of five, and it might just be the most important one yet:
Do Not... Wear Pajamas!
... I can see it now... about ten readers have just clicked away. And I know your logic. "Its Wal-Mart. Who's gonna care if I'm in my PJ's?"
Three words: People of Wal-Mart. Yes, that group started this whole stink about Wal-Mart etiquette. If it wasn't for their popular website ( peopleofwalmart.com ) we wouldn't have to worry about what we look like at the supercenter... in retrospect, we really shouldn't have to. Leave it to the internet to ruin everything...
So whether its "Froggy slippers" or those Toy Story feet pajamas (which is really just an innocent term for a leotard), leave the PJ's in the top drawer.
Do Not... Be A Test Taster!
Its a terrible thing: partially opening bags of snack foods to taste its contents; trying on every pair of pants without the will of buying any; or worse yet, swapping shoes with the display boxes. I've seen it all, and its disgusting, especially when you have flies flying out of shoe boxes... in the toddler department (I don't even know how that works). The temptation is there, I know, especially when you have been dying to try that new Pringles flavor, or are bored out of your mind and find enjoyment in trying on 50 pairs of pants.
But for the sake of being polite (and not crushing a child's hopes and dreams of the perfect pair of shoes) don't be among the dreaded Wal-Mart "taste testers".
Do Not... Be An Anthology Subject!
Let me explain something I said earlier: it actually was reported that a man in a clown suit stalked the sporting goods section of an undisclosed Wal-Mart location. Security cameras showed a man walking into the restrooms in the back of the building during the evening hours, with what appeared to be a disguise of some sort. When confronted, the man ran, and was not spotted there again.
Whether this report is true or not, we all know that one person (or four) that make our local Wally World visit a disturbing event. While it may not be as extreme as a clown stalker, there's still the everyday old guy that yells at clothing, or a friendly neighborhood "cat-man".
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What Not To Do... On April Fool's Day!
April Fool's Day... frankly, its my least favorite holiday of the year. But when treated right, it can become a glorious celebration of laughing at yourself and others (and who doesn't love at least half of that?).
And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I'm writing this cautionary post on the infamous day. Yeah, sure, its coming a day after, but just so you wont get any cruel ideas to use. I care about your health, well being, and criminal record enough to do that for you...
Anyway, even a Celebration of Fools needs some ground rules set, which include:
Do Not... Use Explosives!
OK, the term "explosives" may throw you off a bit, but let me give an examples:
One of VH1's Top 40 Pranks is a viral You-Tube video of a man removing an airbag from an old car and placing it inside a couch cushion, which a friend of his promptly sits on, and... he goes flying. Although it is a hilarious sight, its nowhere near that for the person sitting on the Death Sofa. In fact, that's more than 100 pounds of force kicking the victim in the backside, which is definitely not something you would want for yourself! Oh, and don't even think about using ANY type of fireworks, unless you enjoy sleeping at homeless shelters.
Do Not... Do Anything
With A Toilet!
Many will groan at me saying this, but... yeah, sorry, this is about the lowest you could go. Toilet pranks are not easy to laugh off, can be damaging to property (and plumbing bills), and can ruin somebody's day. Just because its April Fool's Day doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk.Whatever you think you're going to be doing with that appliance - Vaseline, Plastic Wrap, Fake Toilet Paper Rolls - it wont be taken like a prank, and can set some pretty low expectations for the future. Staying classy with your pranks (yes, there is such a thing) is always the best way to go, and any kind of toilet prank is not among them.
Do Not... Play Pranks On Strangers!
Family members, who know your personality pretty darn well, will probably understand if they get "pranked" themselves, because they expected it at this point. But there's something to keep in mind here: strangers are a different, and annoying story. You see, family members don't usually like suing their relatives, or filing restraining orders. Strangers, on the other hand, who more than most likely have their lawyer's number on speed dial, love to. A simple inconvenience will set them on fire, along with their lawyer's pay raises. So if you don't want to be going to court because of a rubber snake, then keep it in the family please.
Do Not... Take Pranks Seriously!
Seriously everyone, could we honestly say that we haven't been "pranked" at some point in our lives? Of course we cant, because we all know that one person who knows we're all gullible on the inside, and will make us pay for it, in the name of April Fool's Day. But taking these pranks too seriously can result in grudges, lawsuits (see above), counter-vengeance (when you get revenge on the pranker, who then gets revenge on you because they cant take a joke), and other uncomfortable situations. And remember, revenge should always be kept until April Fool's Day, but even then, keep it on the same terms of the original joke (if its a rubber chicken, get a rubber spider; if its a pie in the face, make it a face in the cake; etc). Nobody wants to start a prank war, because its been done before, and rarely has it ended well...
I hope you've learned a few things from this post (besides the fact that April Fool's Day is, for the most part, pointless): that this day can be finished without going to sleep in pain the next night, and, when you follow these rules, it can actually be pretty darn fun. I hope I can be more of a teacher to you in the future...
But if you use explosives, don't be asking me to pay the damages.
And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I'm writing this cautionary post on the infamous day. Yeah, sure, its coming a day after, but just so you wont get any cruel ideas to use. I care about your health, well being, and criminal record enough to do that for you...
Anyway, even a Celebration of Fools needs some ground rules set, which include:
Do Not... Use Explosives!
One of VH1's Top 40 Pranks is a viral You-Tube video of a man removing an airbag from an old car and placing it inside a couch cushion, which a friend of his promptly sits on, and... he goes flying. Although it is a hilarious sight, its nowhere near that for the person sitting on the Death Sofa. In fact, that's more than 100 pounds of force kicking the victim in the backside, which is definitely not something you would want for yourself! Oh, and don't even think about using ANY type of fireworks, unless you enjoy sleeping at homeless shelters.
Do Not... Do Anything
With A Toilet!
Many will groan at me saying this, but... yeah, sorry, this is about the lowest you could go. Toilet pranks are not easy to laugh off, can be damaging to property (and plumbing bills), and can ruin somebody's day. Just because its April Fool's Day doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk.Whatever you think you're going to be doing with that appliance - Vaseline, Plastic Wrap, Fake Toilet Paper Rolls - it wont be taken like a prank, and can set some pretty low expectations for the future. Staying classy with your pranks (yes, there is such a thing) is always the best way to go, and any kind of toilet prank is not among them.
Do Not... Play Pranks On Strangers!
Family members, who know your personality pretty darn well, will probably understand if they get "pranked" themselves, because they expected it at this point. But there's something to keep in mind here: strangers are a different, and annoying story. You see, family members don't usually like suing their relatives, or filing restraining orders. Strangers, on the other hand, who more than most likely have their lawyer's number on speed dial, love to. A simple inconvenience will set them on fire, along with their lawyer's pay raises. So if you don't want to be going to court because of a rubber snake, then keep it in the family please.Do Not... Take Pranks Seriously!
Seriously everyone, could we honestly say that we haven't been "pranked" at some point in our lives? Of course we cant, because we all know that one person who knows we're all gullible on the inside, and will make us pay for it, in the name of April Fool's Day. But taking these pranks too seriously can result in grudges, lawsuits (see above), counter-vengeance (when you get revenge on the pranker, who then gets revenge on you because they cant take a joke), and other uncomfortable situations. And remember, revenge should always be kept until April Fool's Day, but even then, keep it on the same terms of the original joke (if its a rubber chicken, get a rubber spider; if its a pie in the face, make it a face in the cake; etc). Nobody wants to start a prank war, because its been done before, and rarely has it ended well...I hope you've learned a few things from this post (besides the fact that April Fool's Day is, for the most part, pointless): that this day can be finished without going to sleep in pain the next night, and, when you follow these rules, it can actually be pretty darn fun. I hope I can be more of a teacher to you in the future...
But if you use explosives, don't be asking me to pay the damages.
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