"I've always been obsessed by beef jerky." ~ Elizabeth Hurley
That quote right there is the only (repeatable) quote I could find about beef jerky. On the entire internet! And you know what? That's a crying shame.
Every living, breathing human being loves him or her some beef jerky. Why else would we create so many knockoffs with moose or alligator or some random species of antelope from the Kalahari Desert? Why else would vegetarians spend so much of their valuable time trying to create a meatless variety of this edible gift from God? Why? Because everyone knows that the sensation of snacking on a salty savory dried piece of cow is crucial to our well being and overall awesomeness.
But in today's world of chronic carb counting and hipster dieting fads, we all can lose sight of the important things in our food lives. The foodiverse doesn't look so pretty from our peskitarian prison cells, and we at Dolphin Blog are out to change that. So, however possible, for your own well being, I suggest (demand) you begin eating (gorging on) beef jerky. Right now. Please. Why? Because...
- It's good for your body!
This may come as a surprise to some, but beef jerky is a ridiculously great source of protein and only has, like, one gram of fat per serving.* There are actually few things you could do better for your muscle growth (and dancing ability) than biting down on beef chips!
*(Source: bag of Jack Links beef jerky in my hands right now.) - It's good for your soul!
This may also come as a surprise to you, but your soul is currently crying out from within you, saying, and I quote, "Feed me beef!" So, for the sake of your inner man or woman, pick up a bag of some teriyaki jerky and stop this madness!!! That is all. - It's good for the economy!Every time you eat a piece of beef jerky, small business owners around the United States burst out from their storefronts and start to reenact scenes from "Singing in the Rain", while simultaneously, billionaire investors on Wall Street begin to cry into a giant $200,000 diamond-studded handkerchief to the tune of "Everybody Hurts".
If this scenario sounds hilarious to you, that's because it is. Eat jerky. - You automatically become a lumberjack!
If you've ever polished off a bag of jerky and noticed you were covered in wood shavings and were now standing next to a massive cedar you just cut down with a hand saw in the middle of the Rocky Mountains, you know what I'm talking about. So stop trying to hide it: we've all got a macho bearded logger man within us all. Embrace it!
- The taste!
Dude... if there was ever a food item that had the metaphysical ability to transport you into the arms of a tame grizzly bear on a canoeing expedition, this is it. These hickory-smoked chunks of heaven will take you to a John Denver concert on the peak of Mt. Rainer as you fry a massive rainbow trout that you caught earlier with your bare hands, while sitting side by side with your pet eagle, Phoenix. What more needs to be said?
Awesome post!
ReplyDelete...But I'm still not eating beef jerky. I think I'll stick with my salty savory dried piece of *faux* cow, thank you :D
So, I guess I'm not living, breathing, or a human being now? And little did you know, that most variations and just normal beef jerky was invented, in China. And due to the absolutely enormous amount of sodium in them, (900 milligrams per serving!) as a survival food, they would take water from your body, causing you to die sooner. So if you're lost on an island with no hope of escape, eat jerky as a final meal, and you'll die while digesting those salty devils. On the other hand, VEGETARIAN beef jerky, (3x healthier than the alternate) has a mere 314 milligrams of sodium compared to the 900 milligrams of sodium in real beef jerky. So 2 beef jerky would be 1,800 mil of sodium, 300 more than the most you should have a day. And because it's meat, there's always that little bit of lethargic feeling (All meats have a little triptofan, turkey has the most though, turkey jerky ~_~), so dancing after eating 3 or so, would be hard. Also, don't dis veggie burgers, they have 7 more grams of protein than your jerky, and healthier protein too. On top of that, they have very little salt, only 3 grams of fat per big ole burger, and they get you your daily serving of vegetables. Jerky, hasn't any servings, because they already got served *Ohh*. And I know what you're thinking, "But imitation meats have chemicals and un-organic ingredients in it.", Well, Quorn™ is a company that makes their veggie meats from, mushrooms and corn. Your jerky argument has no grounds against this. Bottom line, veggies win, and jerky is jerky (to your health). I stand upon this ground where all food should come from, and my words reign with truth and cannot they cannot altered.
ReplyDelete@vilesminorus... Hi Ian!! :-D
ReplyDelete