Tacos: A Love Story

It was a frosty cold evening. I was four years old. The harsh wind bellowed outside the windows of the warm, inviting home, as I stood on a wooden stool watching the snow blow through the world outside. I heard the calling of my family from the kitchen as I ran to meet them. There, my eyes fell upon the sight: a fresh, crispy tortilla shell, carefully cradling a heavenly mixture of beans and meat, topped with cool lettuce, tomato and sour cream, and swaddled in a blanket of sharp cheddar cheese. My mouth watered as the portable deliciousness of my first real taco submerged me in sabor de Mexicano. Olè.

Actually, I have no idea when I ate my first taco. Sorry, guys -- that entire story up there was fake. But, to be honest, I doubt anyone remembers their first taco, and that's a good thing. Tacos have become one of those staples in our lives that goes contentedly unnoticed on a day to day basis. But if this incredible south of the border food phenomenon is as good as we all know it to be, why is it so content to be taken for granted?

I'll tell you why: tacos love us.

Sure, it may sound strange being loved by food, but the evidence is inarguable. After all...

• They care about your teeth!
  
  We can't expect toddlers to munch on ultra crunchy supersized tortilla chips, can we? And our elderly populations can't be left to fend for themselves in the wilderness of dentures and sharp taco bits, true? Well, the taco knows their dilemma -- and it cares -- enough to come swooping in with it's softer side. It's mariachi meets Michael Bolton for your taste buds. What could be better?
  
• They respect your lifestyle choices! 
  
  So many of the delicious food items we know and love today can be shockingly abrasive on the issue of vegetarianism -- I'm looking at you, hot juicy steak. Other foods try to change themselves in an effort to seem more open, but ultimately come off as fake -- veggie burgers, anyone? That's why tacos are so cool. They're all like, "Come on, dudes, put whatever you want on me. I'm good either way." Yes you are, tacos. Yes you are.
  
• They go where you go!
  
  
  
  Too often, life happens: business trips, holidays, and emergency getaways pile up while your plates and bowls back home call over to the drawers, trying to console your crying silverware. It's a sad scene for all of us. But when you do sorrowfully depart from the kitchen and onto the road, enter the taco. It's ingenious portability makes it perfectly capable of coming with to Cancun or tagging along to Toledo. It's a little taste of home for the long road ahead -- and a cheesy one at that. Beats McDonald's any day!
  
  

So, hopefully, this post has awakened you to the love tacos have for humankind. Maybe it has inspired you to take a second look the next time you notice a perfectly cooked semicircle of awesomeness, and appreciate the pure joy that is the taco. And if you're looking for ways to return the love that tacos abundantly give to us... just go eat one. Trust me: it's what they would want. 

Friday Night Battle Fights: Mangoes vs. Quokkas

It's Friday, and here at Dolphin Blog, that means it's time for Friday Night Battle Fights!

In Friday Night Battle Fights, two random competitors from the World of General Awesomeness are matched up in the four most scientifically legitimate categories of comparison: Taste, Humor, Bounciness, and Likelihood of Being a Dallas Cowboys Fan.

And, tonight, in our weekly matchup of randomly awesome things from the universe, brings us to an epic heavyweight showdown of cosmic proportions.

In one corner: it's juicy. It's sweet. It's disastrously addictive. It makes a refreshing Indian yogurt drink. Please welcome the undeclared king of the food world: MANGOES!!!

In the other corner: It's cute. It's a mammal. It's cute. It's perpetually smiling. Dang it, man, it's cute! Please welcome the Wonder from Down Under: QUOKKAS!!!

Let the battle begin...


1. Taste

Mangoes:

Picture a hot air balloon dropping a massive water balloon full of fairy dust-spiked tropical punch onto your face. This is what biting into a ripe, fresh mango tastes like, people (minus the pain of a giant water balloon). Hold a mango and you hold edible taste nirvana.

Quokkas:

OH MY GOSH WHY WOULD YOU EAT A QUOKKA YOU AWFUL HUMAN BEING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Winner: Mangoes.




2. Humor

Mangoes:

HAHA, oblong fruit!!! ... Yeah, I got nothing guys.

Quokkas:

Dude, these animals are always smiling. Literally, they cannot avoid it; they're DNA tells their bodies to smile -- because why not? Look, if their genes are telling their mouths to smile, they're probably telling their brains to think up awesome jokes to tell other quokkas in the neighborhood, too. Plus, look at one of these marsupials bros in the eye for a while and tell me you don't feel happier afterward. It's a scientific fact: quokkas got comedy.

Winner: Quokkas.

 3. Bounciness

Mangoes:

Before they're ripe, all fruit has a general bounciness to it, but add in the factor of the mango's waxy outer coating, and you've got a virtual Superball in fruit form...!
Actually I have no idea about that last part, but at least I've dropped one of these things on the floor before, so I know to an extent.

Quokkas:

The idea of a bouncing quokka sounds incredibly hilarious to me. The moment I finally do see this take place is the day I finally get a quokka for a pet... but, unfortunately, I never have seen that. To their credit, these guys are pretty chubby, and fat bounces. Then again, I've never seen Madea bounce either...

Winner: Mangoes.

4. Likelihood of Being a Dallas Cowboys Fan

Mangoes:

Mangoes are the most popular fruit in the world. The Cowboys are the most popular team in the world. But mangoes are too good for the Cowboys. So there.

Quokkas:

OH MY GOSH WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT QUOKKAS ARE COWBOYS FANS YOU AWFUL HUMAN BEING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Winner: Push.


So, in the end, it looks like the mangoes rise from the ashes as the top dog in this dogfight. But fear not, quokka fans: you're impossibly adorable animal friends will always hold a special place in Dolphin Blog's heart. And if this loss still stings in your mind, there's an easy solution: just find a picture of a quokka eating a mango. That should settle things... or just spark a rematch. Either way. (Also, send that picture to me when you find it. That sounds amazing.)

Why You Should Be Eating Beef Jerky, This Minute, Right Now

"I've always been obsessed by beef jerky." 
~ Elizabeth Hurley

That quote right there is the only (repeatable) quote I could find about beef jerky. On the entire internet! And you know what? That's a crying shame.

Every living, breathing human being loves him or her some beef jerky. Why else would we create so many knockoffs with moose or alligator or some random species of antelope from the Kalahari Desert? Why else would vegetarians spend so much of their valuable time trying to create a meatless variety of this edible gift from God? Why? Because everyone knows that the sensation of snacking on a salty savory dried piece of cow is crucial to our well being and overall awesomeness.

But in today's world of chronic carb counting and hipster dieting fads, we all can lose sight of the important things in our food lives. The foodiverse doesn't look so pretty from our peskitarian prison cells, and we at Dolphin Blog are out to change that. So, however possible, for your own well being, I suggest (demand) you begin eating (gorging on) beef jerky. Right now. Please. Why? Because...

• It's good for your body!
  
  This may come as a surprise to some, but beef jerky is a ridiculously great source of protein and only has, like, one gram of fat per serving.* There are actually few things you could do better for your muscle growth (and dancing ability) than biting down on beef chips!
  
  
  *(Source: bag of Jack Links beef jerky in my hands right now.)
  
  
• It's good for your soul!
  
  This may also come as a surprise to you, but your soul is currently crying out from within you, saying, and I quote, "Feed me beef!" So, for the sake of your inner man or woman, pick up a bag of some teriyaki jerky and stop this madness!!! That is all.
  
  
• It's good for the economy!
  
  
  
  Every time you eat a piece of beef jerky, small business owners around the United States burst out from their storefronts and start to reenact scenes from "Singing in the Rain", while simultaneously, billionaire investors on Wall Street begin to cry into a giant $200,000 diamond-studded handkerchief to the tune of "Everybody Hurts".
  
  If this scenario sounds hilarious to you, that's because it is. Eat jerky.
  
  
• You automatically become a lumberjack!
  
  If you've ever polished off a bag of jerky and noticed you were covered in wood shavings and were now standing next to a massive cedar you just cut down with a hand saw in the middle of the Rocky Mountains, you know what I'm talking about. So stop trying to hide it: we've all got a macho bearded logger man within us all. Embrace it! 
  
  
  
  
• The taste!
  
  Dude... if there was ever a food item that had the metaphysical ability to transport you into the arms of a tame grizzly bear on a canoeing expedition, this is it. These hickory-smoked chunks of heaven will take you to a John Denver concert on the peak of Mt. Rainer as you fry a massive rainbow trout that you caught earlier with your bare hands, while sitting side by side with your pet eagle, Phoenix. What more needs to be said?

So, I hope this post has reawakened in you an appreciation for the meaty manna that is beef jerky. If by some tragic turn of events you haven't yet tasted beef jerky, RUN!!! GET TO THE NEAREST GAS STATION AND TRY SOME NOW! You will never regret it. Or, if you're like me, and reading over this post has made you want to stuff some beef in your gullet, go, do it now -- for the benefit of the whole world. 

Sketchy Song Meanings: "Happy"

This week, my semi-weekly analysis of Billboard #1 songs brings me to that disastrously dance-able and ecstatically irritating tune by Pharrell Williams: "Happy".

While he's already reached #1 status before with "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk and "Blurred Lines" with Robin Thicke, his real star status began when the world began to notice that incredible skyscraper shaped hat of his. Seriously, I could write three separate posts attempting to do justice to that headgear in words, but I would probably end up overusing the word "awesome", even by my terms. Guys, that hat is incredible. But, back to the song...

"Happy" kicks off pretty simply, as Pharrell expresses his deep seated desire for the sun to be extinguished:

"It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say

Sunshine she's here, you can take a break"  

Next up, the song already begins to take a turn to the philosophical, as he attempts to convey the fact that humans take breathable air on planet Earth for granted:

"With the air, like I don't care, baby, by the way"

Earth is the only planet known to have enough oxygen to support life as we know it, Pharrell is implying, and we should all be "Happy" about that. How happy? As Pharrell explains:

"like a room without a roof"

The meaning of this line is unclear. It could be referring to his happiness having no limits, but the most logical explanation is that Pharrell was having his roof redone when this song was written.

In the second verse, the song combats the largest source of unhappiness known to man: online security codes.

"Here come bad news, talking this and that (Yeah!)

Well, give me all you got, don't hold it back (Yeah!)"

Apparently, being famous means that Pharrell no longer has to type down those impossibly frustrating "FDLWSKDU"s and "8726GhIgn"s anymore; his agents have that covered:

"Well, I should probably warn ya, I'll be just fine (Yeah!)

No offense to you, don’t waste your time"

Lastly, in the bridge, the song defiantly states that "Can't nothing bring me down". Why? As Pharrell explains,

"My level's too high to bring me down"

... well, the meaning here should be obvious. Anybody can figure out what he's referring to. As you can clearly see, Pharrell is drinking coffee on a ladder in a tree on a mountain.

So, in the end, this hit song is indeed a lighter than air tune with some relatable lyrics and an insanely catchy hook about home repair. And while we actually need the sun to exist for our survival and all, Pharrell does use his voice wisely to raise awareness for the important cause of air appreciation. But regardless of it's true meaning, this hit song is likely to stay stuck in our minds and our hearts for generations to come... or at least until a new Hot 100 is released next week.

Twist Ties: A Universe Awaits

I have a statement to make. It may seem controversial, you may not like it, and I may be dragged out of the known universe by my earlobe for saying this, but...

STOP TALKING ABOUT DUCT TAPE!!! 

Now, before you kick me off the internet, let me explain: duct tape is fantastic in its own right. You can use it for home repair, car repair, paper airplanes, and real airplanes. It can stop a leak in everything from a beaver dam to the Hoover Dam. It is an active member of Mensa and can perform brain surgery. You can even use it on ducts! But I think we can all agree that, at this point, Old Man Duct Tape is perfectly happy to be his awesome multitasking self in the world without ticker tape parades and Mythbusters episodes in his honor. It's time we all focused on his sadly overlooked yet incredibly meaningful second cousin, the Twist Tie!

"Oh, that's right!" you're thinking right now. "Those things we get with bread loaves from the grocery store." Yes, those would be the same twist ties you're referring to, but it really is time that we stopped seeing them as simply the keepers of our baked goods, and started viewing them for the ultra-bendy, not-so-spendy, working-class breadwinners they really are! These guys stand up to anything you throw their way, and through thick and thin, they are always there for you, always hoping for you to notice their true worth. Clean out your kitchen drawers right now, and guaranteed you'll find one or two of these bad boys, just waiting to be used. The more you forget about them, the more they appear -- like fruitcakes or starfruit, but more useful. And edible.

Bottom line:

Why? Because twist ties can be everything from fun savers to life savers. A universe of bendy possibilities awaits you. Like...

• Emergency Toothpicks!
  
  Just ate a tough, regrettable steak? It's your friend the twist tie to the rescue! Just strip some plastic and dig deep into that gum, and boom, meat no more! (Bleeding is normal.)
• DIY Quilts!
  
  Imagine the smiles on the faces of your grandchildren when they receive your handmade, slightly scratchy quilt this Christmas. Feel the love.
• Kinder, Gentler Citizens' Arrest!
  
  Handcuffs are offensive. So when I arrest you someday, I will use twist ties to bind your mitts. You're welcome.
• International Diplomacy!
  
  Vladimir Putin and our own President are not on good terms right now. But what could be friendlier than if someone made the two specially designed, eco-friendly twist tie friendship bracelets? Cold War? What Cold War? Guys, this could really work...
  
  
  
• Avert Disasters!
  
  It's a quiet morning. Tranquil fog lifts up from the earth as the sun shines through the atmosphere and into the windows of the sleeping neighborhoods. Suddenly, the air thunders with noise of the careening, unmanned train, minutes away from derailment. Trailing behind is its toxic cargo: tons of nitric acid. Moving ahead of it all, a smaller engine carries the hero of this tale: you. Twist ties in hand, the locomotive slows every second, inching dangerously close to the train of death, until your outstretched arm can barely reach the hitch leading at the front. Quickly creating a extra long chain of twist ties, you reach the hitch and loop the makeshift rope around and back to hitch on your car. The trains begin to slow as you pull with all your strength, until, yards before the curve that almost certainly would send both off the rails... you come to an triumphant stop.
  Twist Ties: 1. Train of Death: 0.

Regardless of how you use them, twist ties can and should be a welcome addition to your already awesome life. From making blankets to making friends, twist ties deserve to be placed on the same pedestal where duct tape stands today. That is why we have created twist ties "The Official Multitasking Tool of Dolphin Blog". You're welcome, universe.

The Best Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Song Lyrics

Christmastime is here, and you know what that means: creepiness all around. It may not be obvious in December, but what about those other 11 excruciating months of waiting? It's in those times we see the compulsive shopping network stalkers collecting porcelain reindeer figurines. It's in those times that the words "he sees you when you're sleeping" really come to a deeply disturbing peak. Yet when the holiday season rears it's festive head once again, we seem to forget how unintentionally creepy our beloved Yuletide can come off as. So, this year, while you chug eggnog, binge on gingerbread, and attempt to wrap bizarrely shaped objects in new and creative ways, remember to look for these purely coincidental disturbing gems in your favorite carols.

• "So hang your stockings and say your prayers / 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight."
  (Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry)
  
  Not only does this make St. Nick sound like a horror movie villain, but it also encourages children to fear the big man in red instead of, you know, be happy about Christmas and all. And yet we wonder why so many kids hate mall Santas? Don't parents have enough childhood psychological problems to deal with already? Plus, the spoken part at the beginning of the song names Santa Claus as "that most popular man all over the world". Fear of popular people: sounds like high school to me.

• "Now bring me some figgy pudding... we won't go until we get some."
  (We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Various Artists)
  
  This basically sums up why people hate having guests over for the holidays. Same story, every year: they won't go until they get some. Now, if only we knew what figgy pudding actually is...
  
• "When they found her Christmas mornin' / at the scene of the attack / There were hoof prints on her forehead / And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back."
  (Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by The Irish Rovers)
  
  This is the fillet mignon of bad Christmas music; the entire song is a train wreck, really, but these lines stand out among the rest. From the graphic injury descriptions to that awful Santa pun, there's a lot of evidence in these lines alone that the writers of this song deserve a good long break in a nice cozy padded room somewhere. Also, what up with the violent Santa lyrics again? Maybe the classic Christmas song writers knew something about St. Nick that we don't...

• "Later on, we'll conspire / as we dream by the fire / to face unafraid / the plans that we've made..."
  (Winter Wonderland by Bing Crosby)
  
  This song actually has lots of... issues, ranging anywhere from pretending a snowman is a circus clown and alligators somehow destroying said snowman, to what suspiciously sounds like people trying to use a pickup line with Parson Brown (no joke, look up the lyrics!). But perhaps the creepiest lyric of all is this jewel, supposedly about Bonnie and Clyde plotting their next crime by a roaring flame. I'm not quite sure what the writer was going for here, but whatever this poetic piece of work was intended for, it certainly succeeded in being disturbing.
  
  
  

• "I'd like to sing about all the things / your eyes and mind can see..."
  (Step Into Christmas by Elton John)
  
  Not with Elton John, I wouldn't...
  

• "She didn't see me creep / down the stairs to have a peek..."
  (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Perry Como)
  
  This song could be aptly renamed "A Voyeurism Christmas". What's this kid doing spying on his Mom smooching anybody? No more need be said here, people: this song is just gross all around.
  
  
• "Hail the worm, ye lads and lasses!"
  (A Cabos Carol by Vanna Bonta)
  
  This is actually a more recent Latin American Christmas carol, sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls". The whole song is basically a description of Christmastime in Mexico, which isn't a bad thing at all. My only question is: what the heck is "the worm"? Why would I hail it? What does this have to do with Christmas?! If this is supposed to describe Christmas in Mexico, I am never in my life going south for the winter...
  
  
  
  

Whatever you end up listening to this year, remember that it's ultimately not about the cookies, or the guests, or the train wreck Christmas carols: it's about celebrating the birth of Christ, and spreading the hope and joy that He brings. Maybe you liked some of the songs that I just lambasted, but that's OK too -- I don't mean to offend anyone, this is all in good fun. And even if you end up never viewing these songs in the same way again, hopefully it will just add to the happiness of the holidays. Who knows? Maybe the thought of alligators destroying snow sculptures is just what you need to make the season bright.

The Top 11 Things To Do With A Sandwich

We all know that life is full of sad truths, including fast food being bad for you, Santa Claus's complete rejection of everybody over eight years old, and Snoop Lion's music career (there, I said it!). There's actually plenty enough to make a separate Top 11 list out of, too, but we at Atomic Monkey like to look at the positives in life, and, let's face it, Snoop Lion ain't one of them. That is why I feel that there's a pressing issue in our society that simply must be solved!

It's difficult, but let's face it:
sandwiches are fun, until they aren't.


Sure, we all love a good BLT on white, or a pastrami on rye, or even a peanut butter-Nutella-bacon-french fries on a croissant (the official sandwich of Atomic Monkey). But after a few thousand of them, the idea of a good sandwich doesn't seem so good anymore. Look at it this way:

Cat: fine. Many cats: not so fine.
Hug: OK. Group hugs: not OK.
Twilight book: bad. Twilight series: even worse.

In other words, too much of a good (or bad) thing is not a good thing. So, I got to thinking: what do we do when eating sandwiches becomes a bore? Isn't there anything else we can do with them? The answer, luckily, is a firm YES... with a bit of random and slightly sadistic imagination.

That is why I created this list of the Top 11 Things You Can Do with a Sandwich:

11. Make Copies Of It With A Photocopier

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that you can't clone sandwiches. But, look, if you've got a Xerox and an unwanted Reuben, the least you could do is kill some time before you throw that thing away (the Xerox, I mean -- who uses those things anymore?).

10. See What Happens To It When You Put It In Water

The scientific chaos theory assumes that everything in the universe is falling into a state of complete disorder. So why not speed up the process? Plus, you can make prop bets with others over whether the onion or the spinach will separate from the turkey breast first.

9. Bury It In Rejection

Think more Grumpy Cat than Steven King. You want rejection, not interrogation.

8. Perform Surgery On It

Scalpel. Razor. Pickle.

7. Make a Sandwich Out Of The Sandwich

The ultra-popular YouTube channel "Epic Meal Team" has forever changed the definition of a great meal. I simply cannot look at food I make for myself without thinking, "Is this epic, or just meh?" And usually the answer for a lot of us is "meh". And our lives are too short to settle for "meh". I want to be able to live with "meh"self! So, when life gets too "meh" for your taste, just make an exact replica of the sandwich in question, and use the two sandwiches as buns for another sandwich. End of story.

6. Use It As An Instrument

Who knew that floppy lettuce, slippery tomato and soggy ham can sound just like a viola?

5. Put It On A Dartboard and Throw Darts At It

"If at first you don't succeed, lower your expectations."
Ever wish you could have expert eye-hand coordination? Instead of aiming for that tiny little bullseye on the dartboard, just nail that unwanted sandwich on and start chucking. Then, eventually, work your way up to the big leagues. Or not. You never know; sandwich darts may be your sport.

4. Blow It Up

Part "Duck Dynasty", part Fourth of July, all "kiss your boring sandwich on the lips goodbye". From a few roman candles to a box of TNT, there's more than one way to send off your dull attempt at deliciousness in a ball of flame. Choose your location wisely, however. It could be the difference between a free thrill and a free police escort.


3. Throw It At Someone

"Taste the mayo, jerk!"

2. Throw It In A Bag and Give It To Someone

Probably a better option than pitching a PB&J and somebody's forehead (unless it's a close
relative; they love that). Plus, [insert sappy monologue about giving to charity here.]

1. Make A Twitter Account for it

https://twitter.com/SenorHam

And whatever sandwich-related problem you may find yourself in, just remember: there are millions of people in the world that would kill for that stale tuna on Wonder bread you're holding in your hand. That leaves you with only a couple of options. You could eat the sandwich and be grateful for it (which is never a bad thing). But if not, whatever you end up doing with it... make sure it's completely epic.

When Life Gives You Starfruit

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Whoever first spoke that age-old saying obviously didn't anticipate the hilarious Vine compilations that can result from a few unwanted yellow citrus...




But nothing against him, of course -- he was probably just narrowing down his options when he chose lemonade. Still, there's a lot of other things you can do with lemons besides squeezing their life fluids into a pitcher. From candy to pie to bathroom cleaner, lemons are just versatile as heck! So we salute you, lemons... but this post still isn't about you. 

No, this is about your useless, non-versatile second cousin twice-removed, the starfruit!



These guys have a weird crunchy texture and absolutely zero taste, besides sugar. If these guys were music fans, they would be jamming to Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7. Imagine biting into an uncooked potato while blaring ABBA; that's what it's like eating one of these things. And I hate them!

I understand that many people eat starfruit on a regular basis in tropical countries (poor them). And, yes, if I was on a deserted island with nothing but starfruit trees, I would probably start picking them off and eating (poor me). But we're living in the First World, people! And these guys are in the grocery store sitting next to our delicious oranges and mangoes like they've been friends forever. But they haven't been! Food wise, starfruit is a fraud.

But, with the the holidays coming up, there's still a chance that you'll get stuck with one in a fruit basket sent by that annoying relative in Massachusetts because he couldn't make it this year (because you didn't invite him) (because reasons). Don't worry, though, there's still other things you can do besides stuffing it down your gullet, including...

5. Play football with it!

Imagine the wonderful family memories that can be made when you and your third favorite uncle start running pass plays with a whole starfruit this Thanksgiving...

4. Use it as a dryer ball!

Wrinkle free sweaters, and leaves a pleasant waxy scent!

3. Load a cannon with it!

Oh, you drove through my flower bed, across-the-street neighbor? That's cool. Then you probably won't mind me shooting a starfruit through the paneling of your house. Merry Christmas. 

2. Make it your pet!

Draw a face and make some space: you have a brand new companion! No judgment from me. Some people have pet rocks. You have a pet starfruit. To each his own. 

1. Firewood!

Sugar burns well, and look, these guys are so hard, you might as well treat it as wood. Throw it in with the yule log and the old Lionel Ritchie CD, and you got a cozy, roaring flame. Mix and mingle, dude. 

The point here is that we should all learn to make do with what we have. Even though starfruit is a true con-artist of the food world, we should still be a good host in case one is unexpectedly dropped on our doorstep. And, trust me: once you've fumbled it, drawn on it, sent it through the dryer, burned it, and basically blown it to pieces, you will start seeing the true value of these annoying little fruit impostors.

The Life of a Duck

Some people envy billionaires. Some people envy fashion models. Some people even envy that guy with the topiary in his front yard that looks like Harry Styles from One Direction. There are many things I could say about that last situation, but that's another post (or not). The point is that at some point, we've all wanted the life that someone else lives.

I envy ducks.

And I have my reasons!

First of all, they are born swimmers. Every time I see them floating around the lake, paddling with their pretentious little duck feet like it's nobody's business, I get insanely jealous. Why? Because the only time you can see more splashing than the Shamu shows at Sea World is when I get in the pool and try to swim a lap. I'm about as graceful as Super Grover with the speed of a Galapagos tortoise.

Second, they eat like a boss. No, I'm not saying that I plan to switch my current diet of bacon and cheese curls to fish eggs and snails -- although when you call that stuff caviar and escargot, you're suddenly a movie star! But I digress. Guys, what I'm talking about is the epic underwater back-flip they do when they dip their epic beaks down to eat their epic meal. Apparently, weeds, seeds and insects turn into an incredible three-course brunch menu when you incorporate amphibious parkour moves between bites. There's no way I could ever to attempt anything like that without ending up in a neck brace! And people, this is the stuff ducks do on a daily basis.

Three, they were cute absolutely adorable as babies. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty cute back in the diaper days -- but, let's all admit it: we ain't got nothing on these guys.

Four, their beds grow on their bodies! No, seriously, their nests are lined with their own super-soft feathers. Now, I don't know about you, but one of the hardest parts of any day is simply gathering the energy to walk across the house to my bedroom at night. And when I do finally get there, it ain't lined with anything soft that grew off my own body... OK, that might actually be a good thing. But still, the idea of possessing the ability to veg out on myself is very appealing.

Finally... look, I don't mean to complain, but the best representation of the modern human race right now is probably Ylvis.

Hook up with the duck species, and you've got Donald, Daffy, Aflac -- and, best of all, Oregon. The kingdom of ducks is not without its benefits.

Bottom line is, ducks are awesome, we should all gain a greater respect for them, and I pretty much want to be one...

Well, actually, the real bottom line should be this: don't be envious. Being a human is pretty sweet, too -- but that's another post.