When Life Gives You Starfruit

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Whoever first spoke that age-old saying obviously didn't anticipate the hilarious Vine compilations that can result from a few unwanted yellow citrus...




But nothing against him, of course -- he was probably just narrowing down his options when he chose lemonade. Still, there's a lot of other things you can do with lemons besides squeezing their life fluids into a pitcher. From candy to pie to bathroom cleaner, lemons are just versatile as heck! So we salute you, lemons... but this post still isn't about you. 

No, this is about your useless, non-versatile second cousin twice-removed, the starfruit!



These guys have a weird crunchy texture and absolutely zero taste, besides sugar. If these guys were music fans, they would be jamming to Carly Rae Jepsen 24/7. Imagine biting into an uncooked potato while blaring ABBA; that's what it's like eating one of these things. And I hate them!

I understand that many people eat starfruit on a regular basis in tropical countries (poor them). And, yes, if I was on a deserted island with nothing but starfruit trees, I would probably start picking them off and eating (poor me). But we're living in the First World, people! And these guys are in the grocery store sitting next to our delicious oranges and mangoes like they've been friends forever. But they haven't been! Food wise, starfruit is a fraud.

But, with the the holidays coming up, there's still a chance that you'll get stuck with one in a fruit basket sent by that annoying relative in Massachusetts because he couldn't make it this year (because you didn't invite him) (because reasons). Don't worry, though, there's still other things you can do besides stuffing it down your gullet, including...

5. Play football with it!

Imagine the wonderful family memories that can be made when you and your third favorite uncle start running pass plays with a whole starfruit this Thanksgiving...

4. Use it as a dryer ball!

Wrinkle free sweaters, and leaves a pleasant waxy scent!

3. Load a cannon with it!

Oh, you drove through my flower bed, across-the-street neighbor? That's cool. Then you probably won't mind me shooting a starfruit through the paneling of your house. Merry Christmas. 

2. Make it your pet!

Draw a face and make some space: you have a brand new companion! No judgment from me. Some people have pet rocks. You have a pet starfruit. To each his own. 

1. Firewood!

Sugar burns well, and look, these guys are so hard, you might as well treat it as wood. Throw it in with the yule log and the old Lionel Ritchie CD, and you got a cozy, roaring flame. Mix and mingle, dude. 

The point here is that we should all learn to make do with what we have. Even though starfruit is a true con-artist of the food world, we should still be a good host in case one is unexpectedly dropped on our doorstep. And, trust me: once you've fumbled it, drawn on it, sent it through the dryer, burned it, and basically blown it to pieces, you will start seeing the true value of these annoying little fruit impostors.