The Life of a Duck

Some people envy billionaires. Some people envy fashion models. Some people even envy that guy with the topiary in his front yard that looks like Harry Styles from One Direction. There are many things I could say about that last situation, but that's another post (or not). The point is that at some point, we've all wanted the life that someone else lives.

I envy ducks.

And I have my reasons!

First of all, they are born swimmers. Every time I see them floating around the lake, paddling with their pretentious little duck feet like it's nobody's business, I get insanely jealous. Why? Because the only time you can see more splashing than the Shamu shows at Sea World is when I get in the pool and try to swim a lap. I'm about as graceful as Super Grover with the speed of a Galapagos tortoise.

Second, they eat like a boss. No, I'm not saying that I plan to switch my current diet of bacon and cheese curls to fish eggs and snails -- although when you call that stuff caviar and escargot, you're suddenly a movie star! But I digress. Guys, what I'm talking about is the epic underwater back-flip they do when they dip their epic beaks down to eat their epic meal. Apparently, weeds, seeds and insects turn into an incredible three-course brunch menu when you incorporate amphibious parkour moves between bites. There's no way I could ever to attempt anything like that without ending up in a neck brace! And people, this is the stuff ducks do on a daily basis.

Three, they were cute absolutely adorable as babies. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty cute back in the diaper days -- but, let's all admit it: we ain't got nothing on these guys.

Four, their beds grow on their bodies! No, seriously, their nests are lined with their own super-soft feathers. Now, I don't know about you, but one of the hardest parts of any day is simply gathering the energy to walk across the house to my bedroom at night. And when I do finally get there, it ain't lined with anything soft that grew off my own body... OK, that might actually be a good thing. But still, the idea of possessing the ability to veg out on myself is very appealing.

Finally... look, I don't mean to complain, but the best representation of the modern human race right now is probably Ylvis.

Hook up with the duck species, and you've got Donald, Daffy, Aflac -- and, best of all, Oregon. The kingdom of ducks is not without its benefits.

Bottom line is, ducks are awesome, we should all gain a greater respect for them, and I pretty much want to be one...

Well, actually, the real bottom line should be this: don't be envious. Being a human is pretty sweet, too -- but that's another post.